The Captain Tightpants Year in Review

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Why, you are asking yourself, is this blog post entitled “The Captain Tightpants Year in Revew?”

Well, I checked out my blog stats (which I rarely do) and discovered something interesting. Apparently, my readers want more Captain Tightpants. And a little Jake Weber now and then wouldn’t hurt either. In fact, I should probably think about building an entire blog around my great love of Captain Tightpants, as you will see, if you read on. One of the neat stats WordPress offers its bloggers is a list of search terms people use in order to get to your site. Without further ado, here are mine.

LYNN’S TOP SEARCH TERMS FOR 2012:

1.  CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS

2.  ResQMe

3.  CAPTAIN TIGHT PANTS (I know, right? I’m thinking maybe I just need to do the entire blog about Nathan Fillion from now on.)

4.  Lynn Reynolds (Well, that was unexpected. Probably they’re looking for this Lynn Reynolds, though.)

5.  Jake Weber (So maybe devote the blog to Nathan and Jake from now on???)

6.  Fear of Drowning in a Car (See? I knew I wasn’t the only one worrying about this.)

7.  Zombie Dog (See picture at right) 128860615052329781

8.  CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS HAPPY BIRTHDAY (Now this is getting ridiculous. Either I need to mention Nathan Fillion a lot less, or he needs to start paying me his  publicist’s fee, for crying out loud.)

9.  Fear of Ferris Wheels (Yeah, I knew I wasn’t the only one worrying about that too.)

10. NATHAN FILLION GIRLFRIEND (Oh, for Heaven’s sake.)

Look, there’s clearly no need for me to say anything else. Now that I know where my readers are coming from, I know exactly how to target my blog. Happy New Year, Friends:

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Zombies and Ferris Wheels, or More Irrational Fears

So Castle is apparently tapping into my brain while I sleep and basing their episodes on all my not-so-secret fears. Or somebody there is reading my blog! How cool would that be??? Whoever it is, tell Nathan I said, “Captain.” He’ll know what I mean.

But now, about this tapping into my secret fears thing: not so cool! First there was the car underwater episode. And now, ZOMBIES. WTF?! I thought this was a cop show? Shouldn’t there be more — I don’t know, bank robberies or something? Well, I guess not. Because you guys know that an awful lot of people watching your show are secretly sci-fi geeks like myself who are still upset about Firefly‘s untimely death and would watch anything with Nathan Fillion in it.

In keeping with that knowledge, this week’s episode of Castle was all about “zombie walking,” which sounds like some sort of live-action face-to-face version of Urban Dead. It was actually a pretty fun episode, zombie makeup and all, but it was a disturbing coincidence after that car underwater episode. If the next episode involves Beckett getting trapped on a Ferris wheel or having a fatal car accident due to a sneezing fit, I’ll know they really ARE reading my blog.

Just in case they are reading my blog, here’s some other irrational fears they might want to use in the show. Consider this post the Executive Summary on My Irrational Fears.

Irrational Fear #3

There is no ride in an amusement park more terrifying than a Ferris wheel, folks. Because you’re stuck in that little gondola (or if it’s enclosed, you’re pretty much in a glass cage) and then they strand you at the TOP for, like, forever. At least, that’s how it feels to me. Or felt to me. I haven’t been on one in over twenty years, and I’m not going on one, even if you give me enough money to pay off my credit cards. Which is a whole insane lot of money. On second thought, maybe I would get on a Ferris wheel for that much. I think I’d have to be drunk first, though. And it would have to be, like, a kiddie Ferris wheel. Not this. And definitely not this. And positively not THIS:

Irrational Fear #2

Sneezing fit on highway causes me to veer into oncoming traffic and I die horribly. If you have allergies like I do, this isn’t even all that irrational. Considering how many articles I found on the Internet about this very thing happening to people, it may in fact be a serious safety issue that should be addressed by the President as soon as possible. Way more dangerous than all those French fries Michelle Obama does not want us to eat! Case (or cases) in point:

Sneezing Fit Reportedly Causes Fatal Accident

Sneezing Fit Causes Fatal Crash

There are more, lots more. In fact, I was just kidding around about this being a major fear UNTIL I googled it. Then I really became afraid. Maybe that’s what we should all really fear: the power of Google to help us discover whole new neuroses with the mere click of a button.

Irrational Fear #1

If you’ve read my other posts, you already know what I’m going to say. And of course, the fear of being one of the “normals” who survive a zombie apocalypse only to have zombies feast on my living flesh is clearly the MOST irrational of all fears, right? I mean, it could never really happen in a million years. Right?! RIGHT?!?!?!

Zombie Virus Possible Via Rabies-Flu Hybrid — That’s from National Geographic, folks! Not the freaking National Enquirer!

And then there’s this:

Could Scientists Create a Zombie Apocalypse Virus?

Not so funny now, is it, Rick Castle? And for the rest of you — stockpile the bottled water and sharpen your machete NOW!