It Will ALWAYS be the Year of Captain Tightpants

I decided to check out my WordPress stats, which was silly, since I haven’t had much time for blogging this year. But I am pleased and amused to report that the top search terms which led folks to this here blog are once again those classics: “Captain Tightpants” and “Fear of Drowning in a Car.”

resqme-yellow-keysFor those of you who share my dread of going anywhere near water while in a car, there’s this to offer you a false sense of safety. I keep it on my keychain, so I’ll know where to find it when the car hits the water and I begin to panic. Of course, I am a LOUSY swimmer, which is a large part of why I fear drowning in my car, so probably the ResqMe tool will be utterly useless. But not due to any design flaws on their part, my husband The Engineer informs me.

 

 

Now, for those of you who came here for a dose of Captain Tightpants, I offer you the following delights:

Serenity_Leaves_on_the_Wind_HC_cover
Serenity: Leaves on the Wind – a graphic novel by Zack Whedon!

 

firefly_clue_2014_3dbt_web
Firefly Clue. But it really only makes sense if JAYNE did it. Every time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And while it’s not Captain Tightpants, there’s always this. Yeah, he still cleans up pretty nice.

Advertisements

The Captain Tightpants Year in Review

128933040382953519

Why, you are asking yourself, is this blog post entitled “The Captain Tightpants Year in Revew?”

Well, I checked out my blog stats (which I rarely do) and discovered something interesting. Apparently, my readers want more Captain Tightpants. And a little Jake Weber now and then wouldn’t hurt either. In fact, I should probably think about building an entire blog around my great love of Captain Tightpants, as you will see, if you read on. One of the neat stats WordPress offers its bloggers is a list of search terms people use in order to get to your site. Without further ado, here are mine.

LYNN’S TOP SEARCH TERMS FOR 2012:

1.  CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS

2.  ResQMe

3.  CAPTAIN TIGHT PANTS (I know, right? I’m thinking maybe I just need to do the entire blog about Nathan Fillion from now on.)

4.  Lynn Reynolds (Well, that was unexpected. Probably they’re looking for this Lynn Reynolds, though.)

5.  Jake Weber (So maybe devote the blog to Nathan and Jake from now on???)

6.  Fear of Drowning in a Car (See? I knew I wasn’t the only one worrying about this.)

7.  Zombie Dog (See picture at right) 128860615052329781

8.  CAPTAIN TIGHTPANTS HAPPY BIRTHDAY (Now this is getting ridiculous. Either I need to mention Nathan Fillion a lot less, or he needs to start paying me his  publicist’s fee, for crying out loud.)

9.  Fear of Ferris Wheels (Yeah, I knew I wasn’t the only one worrying about that too.)

10. NATHAN FILLION GIRLFRIEND (Oh, for Heaven’s sake.)

Look, there’s clearly no need for me to say anything else. Now that I know where my readers are coming from, I know exactly how to target my blog. Happy New Year, Friends:

Irrational Fear #4 – Car Underwater

When Eminem released his epic hit “Stan,” much of the public was appalled by Stan’s violence and misogyny. Me, not so much. I got that Stan was a character in a song, possibly based on someone who had stalked Eminem and maybe with a bit of Eminem himself thrown into the mix. And frankly, it was pretty catchy, especially with that riff from Dido’s “Thank You.”

So while everyone else was getting worked up about the collapse of civilization as we know it because of this song by this crazy-ass rapper, I was just fixating on that ending. You know, the bit where Stan locks his girlfriend in the trunk of the car and then drives off a bridge because Eminem never answered his fan mail.

Oh. My. God. Nightmares for weeks!

 

 

Now my man Nathan Fillion has gone and done it to me with a recent episode of Castle.

Holy Mother of God, Nathan, what are you trying to do to me??? I had to leave the room. Really.

I don’t like being underwater at all. Maybe it relates to a fall while walking on rocks in a stream when I was a little kid. It was one of those awful, unexpected moments — no time to take a breath, no time to prepare yourself for how much colder the water was than you expected it to be. Just cold and wet and chaos and a mouth and nose full of water. I came out of it fine, but the memory lingers. Combining that with being trapped in a small enclosed space — and in the DARK! which I also really hate — well, just the thought makes me crazy.

I know what you’re asking yourself: Hasn’t this girl seen Titanic?

No. Not the Leonardo and Kate epic. Not the 1950’s film A Night to Remember. Not that new series by the guy that wrote Downton Abbey. No, no, no, no and no again. I hate the idea of drowning in general, but I have a particularly demented obsession with being trapped in a car underwater. Since I’m also a pretty lousy swimmer, I probably wouldn’t be able to save myself in either case.

Nonetheless, I long ago decided I needed to be prepared. Certainly better prepared than Kate Beckett. She began Castle as a really kick-ass cop with a sensible short haircut, mad skills, a tough attitude, and the ability to seduce Eastern European crime bosses in Russian. In the last couple of seasons, she’s been reduced to being the sexually frustrated chick with long flowing hair and high heels who doesn’t know how to tell a guy to make a move or get lost. And worse than that, she doesn’t even have one of these *:

Image

How can she be a freaking cop and NOT have one of these? I have one of these and I’m just a neurotic underemployed freelance writer! And I know some cops and paramedics, and they are the ones who told me about this. So Kate Beckett should definitely go and get one, in case she gets stuck underwater again. It won’t help with the sexual frustration, but it would probably be safer than having Castle fire her service revolver to shoot out the windshield. Oy.

 

[* ResQMe LifeHammer – is a unique portable safety device that goes on your key chain. This innovative tool allows people to escape from being trapped in vehicles. Inspired by the LifeHammer, ResQMe is a revolutionary hand-held rescue tool that is amazingly powerful despite its tiny size. Because it goes on your keys, no installation is required and it’s always available at your fingertips! ResQMe goes where you go and provides real peace of mind to every motorist. No, they didn’t pay me to say that, and for all I know, it won’t even work when I actually need it. I’m hoping to never find out.]

Irrational Fear #5 – Shrunken Heads

Yes, I said #5 and no you didn’t miss the other four posts in the series. I’m doing this a la David Letterman and counting from my LEAST logical irrational fear to the one that’s actually the most likely to happen in real life. I’m limiting it to five because — hey, I have a life and I can’t go on about this forever.

The truth is, #5 is not even one of my own irrational fears. It’s my son’s. He will no doubt hate me for exposing him in this fashion, but being a teenager, he spends a lot of time hating me anyway. So what the hell, let’s go!

My son — we’ll call him Taz, shall we? Short for Tasmanian Devil, which he was as a toddler — used to love watching old reruns of The Addams Family on Netflix. He’d loved seeing the musical on Broadway, and he thought John Astin was hilariously maniacal and Lurch and Cousin Itt were “da bomb.” Does anyone still say “da bomb?” Okay, I guess he thought they were really “sick.”

Anyway, we were happily watching The Addams Family one night and then it happened. Grandma whipped out a shrunken head.

OMG.

Taz just about went under the sofa at the sight of it. I mean, it was just a comical fake shrunken head. It looked a lot like one of those old Troll dolls. I loved Troll dolls

when I was a kid, so maybe that’s why Grandma’s shrunken head collection never disturbed me.

The Man and I had a laugh at our son’s expense and forgot about it. The next time Taz wanted to watch something on Netflix, he emphatically did NOT want to watch The Addams Family. And the next time and the next time after that. In fact, he has never ever watched The Addams Family since. He’s had nightmares about shrunken heads. He read an article about shrunken heads, and that only made it worse. To this day, if you want to make him scream like a girl, you just have to mention SHRUNKEN HEADS.

And then I was writing this post and I read the article about shrunken heads. Now they kind of freak me out a little bit too.

Do you know there were tribes in the Amazon that really did that?! Geez, I thought it was an urban legend. Well, not urban exactly. A rain forest legend? And holy crap, in case you weren’t sure about how thoroughly sick and disturbed the Nazis were — turns out shrunken heads were actually introduced as evidence against them at the Nuremberg trials.

And if you still aren’t totally freaked out about the thought of someone killing you and shrinking your head, watch this clip. Or maybe don’t watch it. I can’t decide what’s scarier — the kids with the shrunken heads, the hammy acting, or the cheesy special effects. But either way, I’m not showing it to Taz.