Jerks & Irks LVI: 7 Things I Hate About The Holidays

Those of you who did not spend twelve years in Catholic confinement and did not study theology with Mr. Regis Reft, please take note of #6 in Jordanna East’s Xmas blog. That is all.

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I’ll be honest. I have deep-seeded, therapy-requiring reasons for hating the holidays. Still, there are things that don’t help. Here are just a few I could think of off the top of my head.

  1. Any commercial featuring a sleek sedan adorned with a giant red bow. I’m looking at you Lexus. Let’s just say 0.0002% of the US population actually receives a shiny new Lexus as a Christmas present – that’s the percentage of those commercials I want to see. Of all the TV I watch, of all the commercials I see, only 0.0002% of them should be “luxury cars make great Christmas presents” commercials.
  2. Ugly-Sweater-Themed Everything. Parties. Casual Fridays at work. Doggie play dates. Holiday television commercials. It’s even bled into social media. And for the love of everything sacred and holy, there’s even an Ugly Sweater Run. As in, a marathon where the runners don ugly Christmas sweaters. I can’t.
  3. My favorite TV shows having to revolve…

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Cheating on Captain Tightpants

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Yes, it’s true. I’ve been cheating on Captain Tightpants. If you read this blog, then by now you must know of my great love for Nathan “Captain Tightpants” Fillion. No, he doesn’t really do the tightpants look  in his current role as Richard Castle. The ugly truth is, I think he’s put on a few too many pounds these last couple of years. Also, there’s an age where the tightpants look just starts to seem a little desperate. I’m not pointing any fingers in accusation, mind you, since I too am now at the age and the weight which preclude looking sexy in tight pants. But surely you know I’m not so shallow as to be cheating on my man because of his age or his weight.

No, it’s more because he’s not there for me anymore. That’s usually what causes a relationship to end, isn’t it? I have to say that Castle has been looking tired for a couple of years now. For one thing, Castle himself has gone from charming bon vivant uber author to angsty, irritable househusband. Writing itself is rarely mentioned anymore and his regular poker games with real life novelists like James Patterson disappeared several seasons ago. This could work as a story turn too: maybe Castle could whinge about having severe writer’s block, meet with an angry agent or two, endure a sneering article in The New Yorker about what a has been he’s become. But no, we just never talk about it at all. He follows his woman around like a loyal puppy dog and seems to have no other goal in life. Frankly, it’s getting dull. And not just dull for me. Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion both look like they would rather be phoning this stuff in from their trailers. And who can blame them? Once you resort to the “Oh no! What will we do with this crying baby?!” plot device, it’s really time to turn out the lights and go home.

Nathan and Tom Lenk as the bumbling cops in "Much Ado."
Nathan and Tom Lenk as the bumbling cops in “Much Ado.”

I loved Nathan’s turn as a bumbling cop in Joss Whedon‘s brilliant Much Ado About Nothing, so don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe Captain Tightpants and his roguish wit are still hiding somewhere inside Nathan Fillion. But we probably won’t see that side of him again until he moves on to a new project. I’d like to tell you I’m cheating on Nathan with Dylan McDermott or James Spader, long time loves of mine who are starring in shows in the same time slot as Castle. But alas, both shows leave me cold. Instead, I’ve been DVR’ing someone else and watching him when I should be watching Nathan.

misonI’m sorry, Nathan, so sorry. But you just can’t compete with the surreal terror and wacky humor of Sleepy Hollow. This show is such a weird hot mess of wonderfulness, I cannot look away. The cast is brilliant — who knew Orlando Jones could play it serious? And as a police captain no less? Nicole Beharie  and Lyndie Greenwood bring so much barely repressed rage to their relationship as estranged sisters, it’s better than The Young and the Restless. And then there’s Tom Mison, a man so charismatic and sexy, he can actually carry a prime time TV show while speaking Middle English. Castle just can’t hold a candle to scenes like that.

Although I could totally envision a revitalized, post-Castle Nathan Fillion popping up in Sleepy Hollow. Perhaps as a mysterious priest whose real loyalties are somewhat ambiguous. Oh hey, we could call the character Caleb