Lynn Reynolds’ Career is Over

I saw this headline when I Googled myself earlier today — oh, come on, stop snickering. you know you do it too. It alarmed me because I wondered if maybe my boss was waiting until after the Memorial Day holiday to tell me some bad news. Then I remembered I’m my own boss, so I got really frightened for a second. Had I in fact fired myself and forgotten all about the incident? Was my life becoming one of those Staples ads where IT Mom quits but doesn’t tell all her other selves?

Then I realized who they were talking about, and I was really kind of sad in a whole new way. They meant THIS Lynn Reynolds.

photo from gogriz.com, official website of the University of Montana Athletics department

Yes, I know. He’s like the anti-Lynn Reynolds, really. Good looking, incredibly fit and athletic, and of course – male.

I discovered the anti-Lynn a few years ago when I first set up a Google alert on my pen name. At first his name just popped up on my alerts once in a rare occasion. Then it started happening more and more. About two weeks ago, there was this:

UM Runner Working Toward Olympics

I was as excited as if he were my own son. “Lynn’s training for the Olympics!” I told my husband. Since I frequently refer to my fiction-writing alter ego in the third person, the Man was quite perplexed. The Lynn Reynolds he knows used to run regularly but had a knee injury and then a rough recovery after some abdominal surgery a couple of years ago. Now running is a distant memory for her.

“What, huh?” he sputtered.

“Lynn might be in the Olympics. Grizzly Lynn!” I explained. Because the anti-Lynn Reynolds is a runner for the University of Montana and their mascot is a Grizzly.

“Oh, him,” the Man replied. “Cool!”

Then today there was this headline:

Reynolds’ Career Comes to an End in Austin

Turns out Lynn did not qualify for Nationals, which would have put him on course for the Olympics. Bad luck, that. It made me a little sad, because I’d been watching his progress from afar and quietly rooting for him. So no Olympics, but at least it looks like he had a great run (argh. couldn’t resist the pun) in his years as a Grizzly.

I wish him all the luck in the world in his future endeavors. As long as he doesn’t start writing novels. Especially chick lit and romantic suspense. Because I might get a little testy if a GUY started outselling me at writing chick lit suspense novels.

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The Zombie Thing Again

Found this buried in one of my albums on Facebook.

 

I tried canning once, but it was hot and messy and then I kept worrying that I didn’t do it right and the food would kill us when we finally ate it. So when the zombies do come (which will be soon, I just know it), I’ll have to stock up on Campbell’s Soup and make sure I have a good manual can opener.

Some Wise Advice for Frustrated Writers Everywhere

I love Chuck Wendig. This guy is hilarious and profane and completely true. His blog about the writing life is very appropriately called Terrible Mind and today it features his list of twenty-five reasons why you should just quit writing NOW.

They’re all hilarious, but #5 is my fave:

5. Hell, Maybe You’re Too Good

Alternately, you might be too talented. Your works are literary masterpieces, as if Raymond Carver, James Joyce and Don DeLillo contributed their authorial seed and poured it on the earth where it grew the tree that would one day be slaughtered to provide the paper for your magnum opus. And meanwhile, someone goes and writes porny Twilight fan-fiction and gets a billion-dollar book deal thanks to the tepid BDSM fantasies of housewives everywhere. You’re just too good for this. As you seem unwilling to write the S&M fan-fic version of The Hunger Games for a seven-figure-deal… well. This way to the great egress!

 

For his full list, click here.

WARNING: Lots of graphic language. I mean it. So don’t click on the link if you’re uncomfortable with that sort of thing.

Textbook Romance

A while ago, my friend’s college-age daughter was despairing about the boring nature of textbooks and the pain of trying to make the word count for her latest history paper, which was about Hernando Cortes. Her mom and I suggested the obvious things: bigger margins, bigger font and lots of adjectives and adverbs.

Antonio Banderas could totally play Hernando Cortes! We could call it: Hernando-The Passion of a Warrior!

Manly, manly Hernando Cortes my friend’s mom suggested.

This set me off. Why not turn your term paper into a romance novel?! I suggested. Think how much more fun it will be for your professor to read that!

Manly Hernando Cortex gazed out across the glistening morning fields, his long dark hair tumbling in his eyes. In his heart, he knew it was time to leave this glorious, fertile land of Mexico. And yet, how could he tear himself away from — her? His Dona Marina – the one the natives called Malintzin – the woman who had taught him the ways of her people, encouraged his wild dreams and soothed him when the dark visions of blood woke him in the middle of the night? Dona Marina, the mother of his child? Other conquistadores might think he merely used her as a docile slave, but truly she was his soulmate, the woman whose love could save him from his own fearsome rage.

The muscles in his chew rippled as he flexed his fists and contemplated last night’s mysterious dream. What was this strange place he foresaw, this place called Yoo-cah-tan? What did the rivers of blood mean? And why, oh why, was his beloved Dona Marina never beside him in these dreams. . . 

Think what romance writing could do for GEOMETRY!

Euclid hadn’t slept for days. The vision of the lovely Phoenician girl he’d seen in the marketplace haunted him. Although he was muscular and virile, Euclid also possessed a sensitive, caring heart. If only he could free the gentle Daphne from her evil slaveowner, dark-hearted Mephistophanes. Yet Meph was the emperor’s favorite engineer — and Euclid a mere assistant. He could never afford to buy Daphne away from the evil Meph. Unless — unless he could out-engineer Meph on the new Acropolis project and become the emperor’s new favorite! Could he do it though? Was he man enough to best Mephistophanes? Euclid realized he’d need a whole new angle of attack to win this battle. . .

I might actually write these. If sparkly vampires with doormat girlfriends can become a hit, why not the inventor of geometry??? And that gives me another idea. What if Hernando is a VAMPIRE???


Zombies and Ferris Wheels, or More Irrational Fears

So Castle is apparently tapping into my brain while I sleep and basing their episodes on all my not-so-secret fears. Or somebody there is reading my blog! How cool would that be??? Whoever it is, tell Nathan I said, “Captain.” He’ll know what I mean.

But now, about this tapping into my secret fears thing: not so cool! First there was the car underwater episode. And now, ZOMBIES. WTF?! I thought this was a cop show? Shouldn’t there be more — I don’t know, bank robberies or something? Well, I guess not. Because you guys know that an awful lot of people watching your show are secretly sci-fi geeks like myself who are still upset about Firefly‘s untimely death and would watch anything with Nathan Fillion in it.

In keeping with that knowledge, this week’s episode of Castle was all about “zombie walking,” which sounds like some sort of live-action face-to-face version of Urban Dead. It was actually a pretty fun episode, zombie makeup and all, but it was a disturbing coincidence after that car underwater episode. If the next episode involves Beckett getting trapped on a Ferris wheel or having a fatal car accident due to a sneezing fit, I’ll know they really ARE reading my blog.

Just in case they are reading my blog, here’s some other irrational fears they might want to use in the show. Consider this post the Executive Summary on My Irrational Fears.

Irrational Fear #3

There is no ride in an amusement park more terrifying than a Ferris wheel, folks. Because you’re stuck in that little gondola (or if it’s enclosed, you’re pretty much in a glass cage) and then they strand you at the TOP for, like, forever. At least, that’s how it feels to me. Or felt to me. I haven’t been on one in over twenty years, and I’m not going on one, even if you give me enough money to pay off my credit cards. Which is a whole insane lot of money. On second thought, maybe I would get on a Ferris wheel for that much. I think I’d have to be drunk first, though. And it would have to be, like, a kiddie Ferris wheel. Not this. And definitely not this. And positively not THIS:

Irrational Fear #2

Sneezing fit on highway causes me to veer into oncoming traffic and I die horribly. If you have allergies like I do, this isn’t even all that irrational. Considering how many articles I found on the Internet about this very thing happening to people, it may in fact be a serious safety issue that should be addressed by the President as soon as possible. Way more dangerous than all those French fries Michelle Obama does not want us to eat! Case (or cases) in point:

Sneezing Fit Reportedly Causes Fatal Accident

Sneezing Fit Causes Fatal Crash

There are more, lots more. In fact, I was just kidding around about this being a major fear UNTIL I googled it. Then I really became afraid. Maybe that’s what we should all really fear: the power of Google to help us discover whole new neuroses with the mere click of a button.

Irrational Fear #1

If you’ve read my other posts, you already know what I’m going to say. And of course, the fear of being one of the “normals” who survive a zombie apocalypse only to have zombies feast on my living flesh is clearly the MOST irrational of all fears, right? I mean, it could never really happen in a million years. Right?! RIGHT?!?!?!

Zombie Virus Possible Via Rabies-Flu Hybrid — That’s from National Geographic, folks! Not the freaking National Enquirer!

And then there’s this:

Could Scientists Create a Zombie Apocalypse Virus?

Not so funny now, is it, Rick Castle? And for the rest of you — stockpile the bottled water and sharpen your machete NOW!